Making People Uncomfortable in Their Own Backyard Since 2010

I was accosted by a very tall and very crazy old man on the bus this morning. He looked like a coked out version of Father Time. He had been mumbling to himself the whole bus ride, but it was pretty benign stuff. I pulled the stop cord and got up out of my seat in preparation to exit. He too then stood, seemingly to also exit the bus. But he just stood there, partially blocking my path. I politely motioned with my arm for him to go ahead and he suddenly said very loudly, "YOU MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE IN MY OWN BACKYARD!!" I was slightly taken aback but I started to crack a smile because.....well, that was pretty funny. He apparently didn't like that so he then proceeded to yell, "GET OFF THE FUCKING BUS!! YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO BE ON HERE ANYWAY!!" I exited the bus and as I watched it pull away he was emphatically giving me the bird as he continued to yell obscenities my way. The only thing I could think to do at this point was take the advice of the Madagascar Penguins: "Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave."

Sean "Harry Potter" McCoy and the Pick-Up Truck of Life

Today's blog posting will be a bit atypical from it's usually humor-laced theme.
A few weeks back I was commuting to work when a young man got on the bus at 46th and Aurora. (just before the Aurora bridge into downtown Seattle. Morbid footnote: The Aurora bridge is 2nd in the nation for suicide jumpers only to the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco) He looked familiar but I couldn't place him until I saw his scar. Immediately a memory flooded back to me that I hadn't thought about in quite some time.
Back in 2002 I had been going through a "clubbing" phase with my roommates. We'd go to clubs like Polyesthers, have some drinks, flirt with girls, have some more drinks and then head home. We always used a DD or took a taxi. But on one particular night half of our entourage went home earlier than the other half, and took the DD with them. Unbeknowst to most of the remaining half the DD left money for us to take a cab. Unfortunately he left it with the drunkest and most irresponsible one of us, Sean McCoy. Sean had been couch surfing in our place for a while and was a good guy, just made some bad decisions. One of those bad decisions was when he decided to buy us all a round with our cab money. (which we still had no idea he had. We also were not aware that 3 of our party had left already, including the DD) When it was time to leave we all realized that we had no DD and Sean fessed up that we had no cab money. Another member of our posse, whom we affectionately called Norwegian (because he was a giant pale dude) said he wasn't that drunk and could drive. Mistake. Norweigan drove, Sean rode "bitch" in the front of the truck, Will was in the passenger seat and I climbed into the cramped little back seat, wedged next to a sub-woofer amp. We drove home, blasting the radio and singing/shouting along to Bon Jovi. It really was a great evening. But it started to rain and the roads beacame slick. We were literally 5 blocks from home when Norweigan decides he wants to hit the gas and go 70......in a 30. We immediately began to fishtail and everything went slo-mo at that point. There was as guard rail along the corner of the road where we were fishtailing except for one 20 foot gap that led to a storm ravine. The truck spun around backward and slammed into the curb which instantly popped the truck up in the air. We flipped once, landed on the tires and rolled down the storm ravine 2 or 3 more times. I remember closing my eyes as we were in the air and thinking that was it. My life didn't flash before me or anything. Just black. When we rolled down the ravine it was like being inside of a dryer and dirt and sticks flooded through the back window because it had blown out. It also felt like someone was punching me really hard in the ribs repeatedly. We came to a stop right side up and it was totally quiet for what seemed like forever. Sean was the first one out of the truck and he sprinted up the ravine and was gone. I felt along my body to see where I was hurt. I thought I was in shock and was certain something was wrong. But as I felt and looked I could only see bruising on the right side of my rib cage. The sub-woofer had wedged me in and banged up against me as we rolled. I asked Norweigan if he was alright and he said, "Yeah, I just broke my leg." His non chalance was not surprising. He was a pretty tough hombre. I looked at his leg and his right shin was definitely broken. He climbed out of the ravine on it though. Lastly I asked Will if he was alright and he was sobbing. I feared all kinds of things. I asked him again. He said through the sobs, "MY FUCKING FINGER!!!" He opened his left hand up to show me what he was cradling in his right hand. It was his right index finger and it was not attached. I almost hurled. I helped him up the ravine and sat him down on the curb. He immediately tried to dail 911 but there was too much blood coming from his hand and his phone was caked with it. It didn't matter anyways because an ambulance pulled up at that moment. One EMT assisted Norweigan, and the other helped Will. Then he turned to me and was asking me where I was injured and shining a light in my eye as he sat me down on the curb. I told him I was uninjured but he kept asking me where I was hurt. He pulled my shirt up and proceeded to examine me in the same way I had examined myself moments after the accident. Since I was the only one that didn't need immediate assistance he was asking me to give a report, so he started asking me questions. "How fast were you going?"....."Tell me what happened step by step"........"Was there alcohol involved? (I refused to answer this one but Norweigan fessed up to it to the other EMT)"......"Were you wearing seatbelts?" It was then I realized no one was wearing a seatbelt. And that Sean was no where to be found. After I gave my statement I went back to the apartment to get some things together for Will because he would be in the hospital for a few days so they could re-attach his finger. I'm not sure if Sean was already there or if he showed up while I was there but when I saw him he looked like he was from a slasher movie. He had a giant gash down the side of his face where the rearview mirror had broken off and sliced him. I guess he had shown up to our neighbor's (Teresa Jones at the time) and scared the hell out of her for obvious reasons. In retrospect this was one of the most terrifying moments I've experienced because one or all of us could easily be dead. Norweigan lost his liscense and his truck was totaled. We saw pictures later and it was torqued like a cinnamon twist donut. And he had no insurance. The truck was barely a year old. They re-attached Will's finger but a few times while healing the bone seperated on accident and he would sit on the floor and rock back and forth, whimpering in pain. It was funny at the time, but in hindsight it really sucked. Sean's face healed but much to his dismay a movie franchise was taking off starring a young boy wizard with a famous scar that spawned his nickname "Potter McCoy". We'd often speak to him in bad english accents to screw with him. And all I had were some bruised ribs compliments of an Alpine speaker.
Seeing him again on the bus was odd. He had put on some lb's and was almost unrecognizable, but the scar was a dead give away. He never noticed me and I didn't say anything to him . I'm not sure why exactly, except that it's a time and experience in my life I don't like to re-live too often.

Abort! Abort!

Today's Metro nugget comes courtesy of my friend and co-worker, Linda. She overheard 2 gentlemen swapping bus stories and regaled me with this whopper (Not whopper as in "a lie", but whopper as in "Holy shit, someone actually said that out loud?!")also, forgive me Linda, if I am paraphrasing here:

Man 1 to Man 2 - "I was on the bus the other day and a very attractive girl gets on. This guy notices and immediately starts flirting with her. She was polite enough but then he starts full on hitting on her, saying, 'Let me take you out to dinner.....let me get your phone number....'. She politely tells him, 'No thanks I am engaged to be married.' To which he replied, 'That's no problem. I have NO problem with that'......YADAYADAYADA. She then states, 'I am actually pregnant, expecting my first child with my fiance.' without missing a beat he says, 'Don't worry about that. I can help you take care of that mistake and then we can go from there.'

Ahhhh, Metro. Only you can provide abortion solicitations from complete strangers.

Recycle from The Stranger: "Bird Shit Lady"

This isn't mine but it was too good to pass up. This comes from The Strangers "Last Days" section:

In much lighter news, today brings a bracing story of a bird onboard a Metro bus, courtesy of Hot Tipper Madeline: "I ride the 358 to and from work every day, and I have experienced my fair share of weird shit, but today takes the cake. My bus pulled up to a stop, and right away I noticed the woman waiting to board had a grocery cart rigged with milk crates attached to the front of a Razor scooter. She was capable of riding this magic Razor-scooter cart around the city but needed the lift to board the bus. She wasn't wearing shoes. Then the bird on her head started to flap its wings. The bus driver said, 'You know you have a bird on your head?' She replied, 'Yeah, but it's okay.' The bus driver shrugged, and the lift carried her up. She sat in the seat directly across from me, at which point the bird shit on her face. She wiped the bird shit off to one side of her face, where it stayed the remainder of the trip downtown."

Short and Sweet

Nothing lengthy to get into today. However, on the busride home yesterday I overheard the gentleman behind me say the word"Motherfucker" about 148 times. OK so maybe it was like 14 times. And the highlight of his tirade was saying to his companion, "...and I was like Mutha' Fucka', bitch betta gimme my t-shirt. You know what I'm sayin'?" Not really, my friend.

"He was quoting the bible...Revelations...Behold a pale horse...and the man who sat on him was Death...and Hell followed with him." - Tombstone

This was one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies of all time, Tombstone. I say "was" because I can't think of this quote now without thinking of a quasi religious experience I had years ago one morning on my way to work. A man and a woman boarded the bus somewhere around the halfway point of my commute. They seemed pretty benign. They sat down in the middle seats of the bus where it breaks away into an "accordion" style casing to allow the extended buses to jack-knife around corners. A few minutes after they boarded I began to notice the gentleman reading enthusiastically, flailing his arms about and punctuating his sentences with a stern nod of the head. Other passengers began to take notice as well, but being the introverted, passive/aggressive city dwellers that many Seattleites are, most of us were content to ignore his display. My attention was drawn in further, however, as I noticed WHAT he was emphatically reading. The bible. Almost on cue, as if he sensed my realization, he stood up and began to read aloud:

6:8 And behold, a pale horse, and he who sat on it, his name was Death. Hell followed with him. Authority over one fourth of the earth, to kill with the sword, with famine, with death, and by the wild animals of the earth was given to him. 6:9 When he opened the fifth seal, I saw underneath the altar the souls of those who had been killed for the Word of God, and for the testimony of the Lamb which they had. 6:10 They cried with a loud voice, saying, "How long, Master, the holy and true, until you judge and avenge our blood on those who dwell on the earth?" 6:11 A long white robe was given to each of them. They were told that they should rest yet for a while, until their fellow servants and their brothers, who would also be killed even as they were, should complete their course. 6:12 I saw when he opened the sixth seal, and there was a great earthquake. The sun became black as sackcloth made of hair, and the whole moon became as blood. 6:13 The stars of the sky fell to the earth, like a fig tree dropping its unripe figs when it is shaken by a great wind.
6:14 The sky was removed like a scroll when it is rolled up. Every mountain and island were moved out of their places. 6:15 The kings of the earth, the princes, the commanding officers, the rich, the strong, and every slave and free person, hid themselves in the caves and in the rocks of the mountains. 6:16 They told the mountains and the rocks, "Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him who sits on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb, 6:17 for the great day of his wrath has come; and who is able to stand?"

"Holy shit" was my first thought while he was reciting Revelations and this doomsday prophecy. And the more he recited, the louder and more animated he became. I think what disturbed me most was not this "Transit Preacher" spouting fire brimstone, but how non-affected ANYBODY was. No one acknowledged his tirade at all. I'm sitting here thinking this dude may very well decide to pull a Christian Jihad and sacrifice us all in the name of "The Lamb" and these people are preoccupied with reading Dan Savage's recent column in The Stranger, and what advice Ann Landers was spouting in this week's P.I. But what I now have come to understand is that they were all, most likely, just as mortified as I was. They chose to feign interest in their papers and coffee as a way to not deal with this unexpected outburst. Except for the guy reading Dan Savage's recent column, most likely about someone questioning their sexuality, because let's face it, that stuff is like a Jerry Springer car wreck. You just can't NOT read it.

The Shit Stairs

I have posted about this phenomenon on my Facebook status before but it deserves to be re-hashed as it is...epic and disgusting.

"Broken Glass, EVERYWHERE! People pissin' on tha' street, you know they just don't care."
Grand Master Flash and The Furious Five surely must have been prognosticating when they wrote The Message back in 1982 because they were obviously referencing "The Shit Stairs". The aforementioned is a stairwell that leads from the Mercer street underpass to the bus stop where I start my commute home from work. Adjacent to that bus stop is what I have dubbed, "Homeless Island." It's a grassy knoll with a giant oak that is frequented by transients because of it's tree shelter and relative seclusion. And just like Survivor island you must outwit, outplay and outlast for you will surely be "voted off". Trust me. I've seen it. But instead of having a ritualistic candle snuffing, the other inhabitants simple eject you via slurred yelling, drunken wrestling and in one case assault with a 2 x 4. It is it's own reality show. And as this grassy knoll provides a temporary home, the adjacent stairs have provided a temporary bathroom. Yes, on many an occasion I have plodded towards the stairwell only to be hit with the unmistakable and yet indescribable stench of urine and feces. And as the stairs come into view my horror is confirmed. It's human feces. So the only option is to navigate this excrement minefield as I hop back and forth while trying to suppress my sensitive gag reflex. The rain provides an extra special something to this mess as it seems to "spread" the nastiness over a larger area of concrete. And as you reach the top of the stairs you see the culprit that most likely incited this display. Broken 40's and squashed tall boys. Not in the garbage, mind you. Because the city removed the garbage can in an effort to discourage the homeless population. But those bums are wily and defiant, so they just put their garbage where the trash can used to be. Well played, bums. Well played. And lastly, apropot of nothing, there used to reside a giant bush next to the garbage area. And I swear to god the rats of Nimh relocated there. They would scurry in and out of it, feeding on the remnants of said 40's, tall boys, rotted food and human waste. It was a fine feast for Jenner and Nicodemus I'm sure, but thank god the city removed the bush years ago, thereby removing that little cherry on the Shit Stairs Sundae.